After abandoning the cause in early 2009, one of the main issues driving me back to blogging about travel is the astonishing number of nights I've wasted at disappointing hotels in 2009. Across the whole price range and in diverse locations, I've found myself driven to distraction by hotels which either don't offer value for money, treat guests like an annoyance, or are simply very badly managed. Given the global recession that's supposed to have pounded the industry this year, one might have expected more effort directed at attracting return guests.
So, without further delay, I present to you, in reverse order, my ten most disappointing hotels of 2009. I make no apologies for the recurring theme of dissonance between the expectations set by the tariff and the product delivered - I'm happy to pay £250 a night for a room, but you'd better believe that I expect you to work for it.
10 - The Lalit, New Delhi
I'm probably being harsh with this choice, there's nothing terribly wrong with The Lalit, it simply expends too much effort trying to be something it's not. Specifically, it's trying to be giant American-style, conference hotel in the middle of India. The management seem to have some fear of serving Indian food, instead offering bad imitations of European dishes - including a room-service pizza that was barely edible. I can't blame the hotel for feeling like a fortress, this is the sad reality of India and Pakistan at the moment. I can even forgive the management for succumbing to the latest caprice of global hotel designers - the glass bathroom. I know it makes the room look bigger, but I object to drawing blinds every time I want to use the toilet. What is not acceptable is the attempt to deny their location.
9 - Maritim Hotel, Berlin
This is a prime example of a hotel charging far more than it's worth. I forget the exact sums, but I'm sure it's one of the most expensive hotel stays of my life. I know there was a large event on in town, but they were charging more than I paid a few months earlier for the, close to flawless, Adlon. On top of the room rate, there were the obligatory, and extortionate, charges for internet access, a pool too small to swim in and an endless stream of marketing events in the lobby. If I've paid to meet clients at a hotel, I'd like to be able to enjoy a drink with them in the bar, rather than being forced to endure a song and dance routine publicising the Malaysian tourist board.
8 - Glenmorangie House, Tain
Long owned by the Glenmorangie distillery company, and open to public guests since the whole operation was bought by LVMH, Glenmorangie House sells itself as an upmarket, modernised, country house. We had a lovely bedroom, the staff were pleasant, the food was of good restaurant quality and the whisky was free-flowing. No real reason to complain, except that the final bill looked like a telephone number. For that sort of money, there are superior options.
7 - The Caledonian Sleeper night train from London to Edinburgh
I admit, not strictly a hotel, but grant me some license here. The big disappointment is the thought of what this could be. Small, niggling, details let the whole experience down. I know the carriages are not fresh from the production line, but other operators manage to provide laptop power in this design, is it really beyond Scotrail to deliver the power supply which they, at the time of booking, were advertising? When the train is loading at Euston for over an hour, it's hard to relax in the bar car when all your valuables are in an unsecured carriage, open to anyone wandering the platforms, could the berths not have locks? Worst of all, when you're selling yourself as more comfortable than an early morning flight, why serve sub-airline food for breakfast? Virgin Trains, much as I'm loathed to complement them, serve a fine breakfast to a busy (perhaps 100 passengers?) first-class section from the cramped confines of a high-speed train galley. When ScotRail have a full restaurant car to work in, is a stale croissant, pre-packed fruit salad and, I kid not, a sachet of Nescafe really the best that can be delivered? The first class ticket runs into hundreds of pounds, even when booked in advance, at the same time, I could book an early BA flight for £50 and enjoy decent bacon roll, pastries and coffee in the lounge before take-off.
6 - Scandic Portalen, Jonkoping
Why the child-size beds with tiny duvets? I was freezing on an October evening. And for the record, a cupboard with a running machine is not a "gym".
5 - Monart Spa, County Wexford
Put simply, the building is too good for the management. Front-line staff are amazing, the surroundings are beautiful, the bedrooms are luxurious and the spa is gorgeous. The management don't seem to know what they hell they want it to be. The building suggests that this is all about restoring health, the restaurant manager suggests a bottle of red and a burger topped with foie-gras. On top of the identity crisis, it's also eye-wateringly costly and a trek from Dublin. By the time you've paid for the flight hired a car, a weekend at Champney's would probably work out cheaper, and more rewarding.
4 - The Plockton Inn
There's no point talking about the accommodation - you travel to this remote destination for the food. Up here, on the west coast of the Scottish Highlands, some of the finest produce on earth is to hand. In plockton itself, the best shellfish on earth land within sight of the hotel. What they do with this bounty is awful; almost too upsetting write about. The chef should be dragged down the town's main street then shot.
3 - Crowne Plaza Milan City
A soul-destroying property. There's nothing right with it. The decor of the rooms is unspeakable, garish in a fashion that belongs within a Playboy spread, circa 1974. The rooms are visibly filthy, I covered the chair with a towel before I sat on its stained upholstery. A hotel aimed at business travellers requires an intervention from room service before wi-fi can be used. Oh, and the restaurant played an endless loop of Raidiohead instrumental covers. Awful.
2 - An Lochan, Perthshire
Do not be deceived by the sleek website and branding. This is a hotel which requires a complete refurbishment. The chef also needs to stop thinking he's Gordon Ramsay - the hateful "de-constructed" food lies, like booby-traps, throughout the menu. If I order a fish pie, it is because what I want to eat is a fish pie - I have no interest in some dry pastry twist, a few scraps of grilled fish and some peas scattered artfully across a plate. Spend the extra few pounds and check-in to the nearby Gleneagles.
1 - 9 Beaches, Bermuda
So many things are wrong that I don't know where to start. I suppose the most important thing to get across is that this is camping. Regardless of what the website claims, or the high tariff suggest, this is camping, with no air-conditioning, on a hot and humid island. When the rain falls, you have no chance of sleeping through the thundering noise of water falling on your canvas roof. The beaches are not the pristine Bermudan beaches you might be expecting, instead they are covered in sea-debris and too shallow to bathe in. A few of the staff are great, many are offensive, lazy, rude, and too busy partying with their friends in the bar. The food is awful and expensive. If you find yourself trapped here, take a cab, or walk, to the nearby town - better food is on offer in the local pubs. "Resort-wide" wi-fi is really only available in reception. Worst of all, the entire resort oozes a depressing air of cheapness; the furniture is of the lowest quality and falling to pieces. For the price charged, we could have stayed in a far nicer hotel on the island. Indeed, we saw many people checking-out early in the most vocal of manners. Sadly, I, like a fool, had pre-paid the week in return for a small discount; a lesson learned.
I left the management detailed comments but have had no response. Sad.
That's the bad and the ugly out of the way, there were some good experience in 2009 - they're coming soon, along with a full review of The Midland, in Morecambe.
