#meateasy, New Cross, London

Cast your mind back a year or two, back to the moment when a friend who “wouldn’t normally forward such things” sent you the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle’s first audition for Britain’s Got Talent.  Do you recall how that brief moment of wonder and shared human joy rapidly turned into sweaty nausea as you realised how easy it had been for the combined PR might of Simon Cowell and Max Clifford to manipulate not only you, but large swathes of the global population?

That feeling, the feeling of been duped by a slick publicity machine, is what swept over me as I, finally, bit into a #meateasy chilli cheeseburger.

Unless you have been living in a cave, or “outside London” as it’s known in the media, you will have heard about #meateasy - the pop-up burger restaurant above a disused New Cross pub that’s only open for a few months and seems to have most food bloggers and journalists in raptures.  Restaurant reviewers in newspapers beseech us to stampede down the East London Line before the place closes in March and be thankful for the chance to wait several hours for a burger.

The food itself is passable.  The burger was very good.  It was a very good hamburger, is there much more to say?  If you press me, I’ll say that it was well cooked, although perhaps assembled in a slipshod fashion, with all of the jalapenos crowded in one eye-wateringly fiery bite. The onion rings are, as has been said by a variety of bloggers, the best I’ve ever tasted.  That is to say, they are the best cheap vegetable coated in greasy batter I’ve ever tasted.  Well done.  The buffalo wings were gruesome - slimy and fatty with none of the lovely crisp blackened skin I’ve seen posted in early reviews; they were clearly rushed through the cooking process.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about the process of obtaining the food.  I’m sure New Cross is lovely, up and coming, the “next Hoxton” and all the rest of it, but it is still three trains from my office and five trains from my home.  In short, it’s out of the way.  I’ll be generous and say it’s half an hour from central London, less from Canary Wharf.

Upon arriving, you are issued with a numbered ticket which entitles you to order three items of food when summoned by the, admittedly charming, staff who roam the packed room shouting out numbers at, seemingly, random intervals.  While waiting you buy drinks from the bar, try to find standing space in the crowded room, then lie in wait, ready to pounce upon a table as soon as the current occupants look ready to leave.  If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to perch on a sofa with a few friends and share a table with some strangers.  It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, comfortable.  Two hours, and several drinks, after we arrived, I ordered and the food was delivered shortly after that.  In the intervening period, there was an awkward moment when a friend and the stranger opposite who shared his name, were mixed up, prompting the stranger’s torn-faced date to whine about people touching and stealing food.  Great fun.

Is it possible to separate enjoyment of the food from the environment it’s consumed in?  I lean towards no - even if this had been truly excellent food, I’m not sure how enjoyable it would have been when eaten perched on one corner of a stool, hemmed in on all four sides by a selection of London’s louder conversationalists.  Bizzarely, I’m left with the impression that it’s the discomfort that many of the patrons are actually craving.  It’s almost as if people feel somehow allowed to, or at least less guilty about, eating junk food if they’ve had to suffer before consuming it.  I can think of far better ways to soothe guilt about gluttony.

At this point, fans of #meateasy will argue that the food is terribly reasonably priced and such a bargain is worth waiting for; the Ryanair defence.  The problem is, while the food is cheap enough, I defy anybody to spend less than two hours trying to obtain it - two hours in which you’ll buy a round or two of drinks.  All told, my visit set me back almost £45, most of it on booze.  Now, you’ll call me cynical, but I don’t think this is accidental.

Just as a YouTube clip featuring an oddly-shaped Scottish woman hood-winked millions of people into buying an album of poor cover versions, so mouth-watering photos of oozing hamburgers have been used to lure people towards New Cross and a lucratively packed bar. I don’t grudge #meateasy their success, indeed, I have enormous respect for anyone who can plan and execute such a stunt, including Mr Cowell.  I just feel slightly dirty when I allow myself to buy into the hysteria.

Of course, mention must be made of the phalanx of bloggers and journalists who enabled #meateasy to pull this off.  To them, I might just point out that writing up an invite-only preview event is not reviewing a restaurant.

Still desperate to munch down a very good cheeseburger?  May I suggest that you head to either BobBobRicard  or Hawksmoor?  I’m pretty sure that you’ll be able to order a cheeseburger, a couple of glasses of Pol Roger or a decent martini for less than you’ll spend at #meateasy.  As an added bonus, both BobBobRicard and Hawksmoor, revolutionaries that they are, will allow you to reserve a table, dine at a time which is convenient to you and provide comfortable seating.  If you really feel that you have to suffer before you’re allowed such artery-clogging delights, then I prescribe two laps of Hyde Park - the whole running/eating project will still consume less of your time than an evening in New Cross.

Comments

[Douglas]

Very reasoned. Digest the hype I will not on this venue.

[mk]

Half an hour from central? Depends what part though doesn't it? If you're in London Bridge (zone 1, ergo central), then it's five minutes.

[GHB]

If I turned up a hawksmoor on spec, would I get food within two hours? Or would I be turned away and told to book a table in a week's time?
And I'm sure meateasy would have loved to have opened a restaurant within walking distance of both your office and your house, but they couldn't find the premises. Or perhaps is it your house/office that is out of the way?
While the experience is clearly not perfect (and I agree that you cannot disconnect the food from the venue) but at the same time you admit the burger and onion rings are very good. Now they could cut back on the number of people they serve (and bump up the prices) and create a more restaurant like experience, but I dont think that was ever the intention - this is a bar that does food. And while the crowds might be partly down to hype (or "coolness") it's clearly not empty hype.